Stumbling down the street, arms hooked around his middle, shivering in the freezing cold night in nothing but a stupid tank top, covered in sweat, head aching on top of everything else, and Ben, that absolute prick, isn't here. After pushing him into finding Luther, then protecting Luther (because Luther needed so much protecting, and Klaus was totally in a great place to do so) Ben is no longer hanging around.
Probably scared, and rightly so, because the only thing stopping Klaus from scratching his forearms bloody to get rid of the feeling like bugs are crawling around under his skin is being annoyed at Ben. Ben, who must be around here somewhere, probably hiding or being invisible or whatever. Klaus doesn't even bother waiting until he's alone in the alley to start talking out loud to his brother that no one else can see.]
You know, tonight you totally lost the right to play the dead brother card, you know that, right? Even better, you're the one who got me killed. Plus, you never mentioned that God is such a trip either. What gives, man?
[ Ben is, in fact, there. He had never left; not in the club, not when Klaus made his way out, not as he started the journey back home. He has been following, however, from a few paces away.
For the first time in a long time, Ben is feeling scared. Not to mention guilty.
When Klaus starts speaking to him, knowing (whether because of his powers or because he knows Ben as a person, who can even say these days?) that Ben must be there, he lets himself be visible. His body language is different than it had been earlier in the night. He is no longer standing straight and confident; his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and there is a wariness, a silence about him that weighs heavier than just not talking from moment to moment.
Klaus is pissed. Ben doesn't really care about that. But Klaus also doesn't sound the way he normally sounds when he's lying or playing up the drama. He just sounds done. ]
So... so you did die?
[ Ben can hear it in his own voice, the hope that things had been different than they appeared, the knowledge all along that they hadn't. Klaus had hit the ground so hard. Ben hadn't heard anything over the thudding base of the club and the commotion of people, but he'd seen Klaus drop and seen the way his body went so, so still. Klaus was never that still. Not even when he slept. ]
What do you mean, God? What are you talking about, Klaus?
[Klaus exclaims it, still stumbling his way toward home, and it's only the fact that he knows this city so well that he even knows where he is. The knock on the head had left him disoriented, even if it hadn't succeeded at permanently killing him, and he feels like he's spinning, hugging himself for comfort and warmth and to try to keep his balance. He can barely remember all the places they already looked, what the winding path was that they took to get from home and through all those places to the club they'd run into Luther at.
Ben looks a little deflated and Klaus can't help but get a tiny thrill of satisfaction from that, but it quickly dissipates under a wave of nausea that could be from withdrawals or from a concussion. Who knew? Who cared, really?]
According to God and Dad, yeah. I did.
[Klaus refuses to look at Ben for a moment, and there's silence except for the sounds of his feet scraping on the pavement and some girls laughing at the crazy junkie talking to himself as they head toward the club he'd just left.]
Went to the afterlife, ran into God, who doesn't like me, which was a huge shocking revelation...
[Those words twist with sarcasm, and he pauses, heads over to the wall of the nearest building forming the alley and braces himself against it with one hand, leaning over with his other fist clenched against his gut. Retches, but can't bring anything up, and just stays there for a few moments trying to breathe.]
But it's nice to have the old 'God hates me' suspicion confirmed, at least.
Wait. You're telling me you died, talked to God, and Dad, and then somehow just- woke up again?
[ Ben sounds incredulous, but not accusatory; he's hung around Klaus long enough to tell when he's high as a kite and talking about things that aren't real. He knows the way Klaus fidgets and holds his shoulders tight when he's lying. And there was the evidence of his own eyes and senses. None of which makes any of this and easier to understand.
(Underneath the confusion and desire to get to the bottom of what the hell is even going on anymore in their lives, Ben's gnawing feeling of guilt deepens perceptibly. He was the one who had goaded Klaus into helping. Who had been so frustrated and angry at his own inability to do anything to help that he'd forced his brother into it - the same way they'd been forced into missions over and over growing up. And Klaus had gotten hurt. No, gotten killed. The way he had gotten killed. He'd been wrong, about not being able to do anything. He had, in part, done this.) ]
If you... died and went to heaven, how are you alive now?
[ Ben might be harsh to Klaus some of the time (okay, a lot of the time), but there are reasons for it, and the fact of the matter is that he gives himself away without meaning to. It would never occur to him that his brother would go anywhere else but heaven. Underneath the lying and stealing and excuses and addiction and self-centered self-pity, Klaus is still a good person. Ben believes that, unquestioningly.
He might not be able to reach out and touch Klaus's shoulder as he retches (and it's been a long time since Ben bothered to even try touching anything), but be leans against the wall, arms crossed, close to Klaus, blocking off the view of the end of the street. Sure, people who can't see Ben can still gawk at Klaus through him, but Klaus can't see them, at least. ]
[By the time Ben responds, Klaus is mostly done with his retching, and he's just leaning against the wall for the stability it offers, resists the urge to press his cheek against it just to sap the coolness out of it. He's pretty sure he's feverish, his top lip damp and his body shaking itself like it's trying to rattle apart at his joints (all of which also hurt). He feels like a 90 year old man, hunched over, sore, tremulous, disoriented.
For a few more moments he stands there, brings up his second hand to press against the wall for balance, head spinning, panting slightly. And then when it registers what Ben said, he laughs, voice and throat feeling rough and burnt with stomach acid.]
Oh Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben, you really think I went to heaven and saw Dad?
[He shakes his head, exhaling, and then clears his throat hard and spits on the dirty pavement, coughs a couple of times, pushes himself away from the wall and turns on a heel to start stumbling his way back home again, arms curling around his belly self-protectively.]
I don't know how I'm alive. I was definitely dead. D-E-A-D, dead. This little girl rode up on a bike and was apparently God. Said she didn't like me much. Then said I had to go see 'him,' who I thought was gonna be Dave but no. No. Klaus Hargreeves has no such luck. It couldn't be...
[His voice cuts off as he chokes on a sob, and then lifts a hand to rub at his face harshly, smudging days-old eyeliner into his sweat and tears.]
It was dad. Great shave, lots of sanctimonious rambling. He was more self-righteous than God, which really shouldn't have surprised me...
[ This is the thing about the two of them; they have been together all their lives (and after). In that time, they've had the same conversations and arguments enough times that the words have left an indent, a discernible outline. So Klaus doesn't even need to say it out loud, for them to both remember that, of the two of them, Ben has always been more forgiving of their father for what he put them through. But there is an edge of that knowledge and those disagreements over the years present, in the crisp anger of the way Klaus questions what kind of afterlife their father would end up in.
Ben ignores the dig at him, however, because there are much more urgent matters. Klaus died and came back and he doesn't know how, which is just typical. None of them had ever gotten any answers, about why their powers work, about how they work, about any of it. They're just fumbling in the dark, and it's caused so much hurt over the years. Why not a little more. ]
So... you talked to him.
[ There are parts of that rambling speech (God is a little girl on a bicycle? Weird, but no weirder than any other option honestly) that Ben just doesn't know how to grapple with. But he knows about Klaus and their father, and he knows what a volatile state Klaus was in even before all this happened. He had only just decided to get sober, and there's a real possibility that this post-death conversation might have totally derailed that.
Ben isn't sure what he is feeling, at that moment. Guilty for getting Klaus in this situation. Disappointed, in a queasy and ever-increasing way, at Luther for how he acted tonight and especially for just leaving. Scared that his own urging had led to this. Guilty that Klaus had a chance to speak to their dad when Ben didn't even get a chance to, even though both of them are dead. Relieved, that it wasn't him who had had to speak to their dad. Jealous, that for some reason his brother gets to bounce back, as if mortality weren't even an issue for him. ]
[It came out sharper than he'd meant to, that little dig about Dad going to heaven. Klaus has always been the most outspoken of the siblings (trailed closely by Diego, of course) about how fucked up all the things Reggie had done to them were, how awful their childhoods had been, how much they'd been abused. Ben, on the other hand, had always been far too forgiving, in Klaus' humble opinion. Too quick to forgive their father for all the vicious, personal, custom-built tortures he'd put each of them through. Too quick to forgive Luther for following in their dad's footsteps and buying into the bullshit so hard he'd started to spout it himself.
None of that means Klaus doesn't love Ben, or Luther, or any of the others. But not Dad. Never Dad.]
Well, I'd say it was less of a conversation, more of a lecture. You know how Dad was.
[He shrugs, and it makes his shoulders ache, he feels like he's aged 70 years over the past day, and it shows on his face. He's drawn, pale, skin shiny with sweat, shoulders hunched and back curved against the pain.]
Scolded me for not calling him forth sooner, scolded me about the drugs, as always. We had some lovely banter about how we all blame him for our screwed up lives, which he thinks is uncalled-for. [A laugh, bitter and breathy.] Needless to say, I called him on that little flight of fancy.
[A pause, and Klaus stops, standing on the sidewalk, hunched and miserable, and finally looks directly at Ben instead of at the pavement in front of him, green eyes searching his face. He's not sure if he's looking for sympathy or approval or what, but he's sure he'll know it if he sees it.]
He said...he told me he killed himself. Made it look like a murder so we'd all come back and solve it together and end up deciding to go back to the good ol' days and save the world.
[Tears are running down his face, hot and wet against his cheeks, carving through the cold sweat.]
And he told me I've barely scratched the surface of what I can do with my powers, but...then I woke up. I didn't want to come back, I wanted...I don't know what I wanted.
[Lowering his gaze, he starts stumbling along again, movements clumsy and ginger, trying to stave off the pain.]
[ Ben has never been one for big reactions. Maybe some of it was always in his nature, mostly it is a result of growing up in the environment he did, where there was no privacy, no sense of stability or safety, no control over his circumstances. They'd all reacted to it in their unique ways. Klaus has his drugs and his reckless behavior and his wit and jokes. Ben had gotten quiet, and developed one hell of a poker face.
So he listens without interrupting when Klaus talks about the way their dad had lectured him, and the fight they'd had (not for the first time, but perhaps the last) about who was to blame for all the damage that had been done. He hears the brittleness in the words, can see Klaus looking at him, expecting something from him. More questions, to take his side - who knows? He keeps a neutral face on, though it softens ever so slightly.
And he still doesn't say anything when Klaus, crying, tells him that their father killed himself.
Ben's not even sure himself why he believes it right away. Perhaps it's because he knows Klaus wouldn't joke about this. Not to him, and not like this. Or maybe it's because he knows the lengths their father had always been willing to go when he had a goal in mind and had decided on a course of action. No unpleasantness had ever stopped him before. No evidence that he was doing harm. Suffering had never been high on his list of priorities. Apparently, that includes his own.
He just takes a step back, hand coming up unconsciously to cover his mouth. Klaus can say what he wants about hating their father and what a monster he'd been, but Ben sees the pain in his eyes, hears it in his words even through the attempt at humor.
Swallowing, Ben sets that aside, focuses on what Klaus had said last of all. ]
Don't say that. Don't say you didn't want to come back.
[ His terror makes the words sharp; Klaus has been flirting with death for so long. There have been so many close calls, so many IVs and ambulances and CPR and god knows how many times Ben has thought this was finally it. But Klaus's never really talked about wanting to die like this. Not before his little jaunt to Vietnam, and it scares Ben.
And underneath it, ugly but irrepressible, is that stubborn seething jealousy. Because how dare Klaus talk about wanting to be dead? As if he knew the first thing about it. ]
[Klaus doesn't know how Ben does it, how he keeps himself together like that, keeps his face calm, keeps his expression neutral, his mouth as if it were drawn with a ruler. Of course he knows Ben enough to read the subtle signs - the way his mouth softens a little, the way his brows move, but he doesn't say anything or emote and Klaus is still crying, silently, the tears coursing down his face. It makes him feel out of control and stupid for crying over Reginald Hargreeves, of all people, but here he is, and Ben just looks at him with that calm expression.
Something builds up in Klaus' chest and gut and he clamps his hands harder against his middle, feeling like he's going to sob or vomit or both, or like his diaphragm is going to explode into his chest cavity. Then Ben's face changes, the mask falls, his hand comes up to cover his mouth, and Ben tells him not to say that he didn't want to come back, and his voice is sharp and - to Klaus' ears - accusatory.
It's like a tidal wave. Klaus turns abruptly and makes his way into an alley, out of public view, and squats on the ground beside the wall of a building, buries his face in his hands, and sobs hard for a few moments. Sobs hard enough that he chokes on it, drags his fingers through his hair and his body squirms with the sheer intensity of what he's feeling.
He'd died. He'd talked to his sadistic abusive father in the afterlife. Everything hurts and corpses follow him wherever he goes, he can't get away from it, there are no breaks or relief.
Dave is dead. Dave is dead and he's never coming back, not solid and present and warm and perfect and so beautiful it hurts.
It takes a while, but eventually he's able to lift his head to look up at Ben, who seems smudgy and blurred through the tears. Ben's seen him worse than this, Ben's seen him doing worse things than crying in an alley, but he feels too vulnerable and more than a little stupid, because Ben is always in control and Ben always looks calm and Klaus is a mess, has always been a mess.]
[ There isn't much he can do (and that's nothing new); he just watches and watches as life rips into his brother, tears away pieces of him, more and more. It never hurts any less to see it. Ben can only stay closer, following Klaus as he moves further into the alley, crouching down to stay on his level as he sobs. ]
Klaus... Hey, Klaus...
[ All the edges are softened from his voice, and it is quiet and coaxing, trying to bring his brother back from whatever yawning void of sadness has opened up in him now. Ben's chest aches, seeing the way Klaus's face is twisted up, half like he's laughing, half like he's in pain. He wishes he could give him a hug. He wishes he hadn't sad anything when Luther left the house. This isn't all his fault, but it's a larger percentage than he'd like. ]
Just breathe, alright?
[ He doesn't look ill, or still injured, or like he's going to pass out. Which doesn't make the emotional agony he's feeling any better, but at least it means there is no need for brightly-lit ER waiting rooms or clipboards or condescending doctors. Ben sighs, head dropping to his hand, covering his eyes. He is exhausted. Ever since their dad died, there has been so much happening. ]
Let's get you home and safe...
[ And Ben stands up, waits for Klaus to collect himself enough to stand, too. He coaxes him in this way, even though he can't touch him - just taking the next steps himself and waiting for Klaus to copy, to follow. Once Klaus is steady on his feet, Ben starts heading out the alley, eyes on his brother, walking step by step beside him.
He doesn't push his luck too quickly. For a few minutes they walk silently, away from the clubs, to quieter streets that are deserted by the late-night party-goers. When they're a few blocks from the Academy he finally speaks up again. ]
You don't want that, okay? Just... trust me. I'm the expert here. I mean, I'm not even really jealous that for some reason you got to come back. That's how badly I- don't want you to die, bro.
[It's nice that, when Klaus looks up at his brother through tear-filled eyes, Ben has come closer to crouch in front of him, speaking with that soft voice. Soft and coaxing and gentle. Ben is the only one who's ever been that gentle with him, spoken to him like that, talked him through all his flashbacks and dope sickness and the worst of the terrible things that had happened to him in the streets. Most of those times, the worst moments in his life since he'd left home, he only really remembers Ben's voice through flashes of darkness and pain and misery, telling him to breathe, telling him to move, telling him he wasn't safe until finally Ben told him he could sleep.
So Ben tells him to breathe, and he does, he takes a shaky breath, sobs it out, but then takes another. Everything still hurts, but it feels like some of the raw edge has been taken off - he has a whopper of a headache from crying while being dope sick, but he feels a little more clear-headed, he doesn't feel like he'd rather die than keep living like this, or at least he doesn't feel it enough that he's tempted to act on it. A few more shuddering breaths that come with tearless sobs, and he rubs at his face with the palm of his hand. His face is wet with tears and sweat, and his hands are dirty, so he ends up with dark smudges of dirt mixed with wetness and eyeliner across his face and down his cheeks and forehead.]
Okay okay okay...
[He whispers it, slowly pushes himself up to his feet, then hooks his arms around his stomach again while he wavers on his feet and eventually sways too far backward, enough that his shoulderblades smack into the wall and he leans there for a moment.]
Home and safe, huh? [He gives a soft little laugh, eyes sinking shut as he tilts his head back against the wall, shivering hard and feeling his gut twist with nausea so sudden and intense he feels like he's going to throw up his guts.] You do remember that when I got kidnapped and tortured it was from that safe home, right?
[But he pushes away from the wall with his elbows, feeling the rough surface of the brick scrape against his elbows, and starts moving out of the alley. When he emerges, some girls walking back from the club squeal and cross the street to avoid him, and all he can do is laugh bitterly, under his breath. It feels like forever before he can see the end of this hopeless trek, and then Ben starts talking again. Klaus looks over at him, sideways, not sure if he feels touched or mildly offended. Maybe it's a bit of both.]
If I didn't know for sure I'd probably end up a screaming angry ghost, if it was just like, falling asleep forever, that might be better than the life I have right now. Fuck, Ben...
[ Klaus's face may be dirty and he may be swaying on his feet but at least he stands up, at least he finds that hard kernel of strength in him and pushes through, despite all of it. Ben thinks he never met anyone so resilient - even if half the time Klaus is crawling his way back out a hole that Ben warned him again and again not to walk near, to watch out for.
When Klaus jokes about being kidnapped from the Academy, Ben opens his mouth, the reflex there to protest that he had tried to warn Klaus there were intruders, had shouted his name again and again only for it to be drowned out with Klaus's music. But for once, he bites back the defensive words. 'Tried' hadn't been good enough - it was never good enough - and everything unsafe that has happened to Klaus tonight was because of Ben's trying. ]
I'm not gonna let that happen again, ever.
[ It's absurdly unenforceable, that promise. The truth is things happen in the world as they are going to and how Ben Hargreeves feels about them doesn't make the slightest difference. But Ben had been there the entire time Hazel and Cha-Cha had Klaus. If either of them get close to him again, well, he's going to do his best to find a way to make things different. ]
Dying isn't the solution.
[ The words come out tight, clipped with annoyance that doesn't hide the increasingly frantic concern underneath. Klaus had been so close to finally growing, finally starting to take steps towards healing. And now this: wishing he were dead, talking about how it's better than the life he has now. Ben can't let him talk like that. Can't let that kind of reasoning take root. He can see the gates of the Academy as they round a corner and his voice is low, encouraging and loving and exasperated all at once: ]
If you hate your life, then make your life better. 'Cause once you're dead, that's it. Nothing improves, not ever. And I'm not screaming or angry but I haven't slept in fourteen years so resting in peace doesn't seem to be on the cosmic menu.
[Klaus knows just as well as Ben does that there's no way he can promise to not let that happen again and actually be able to follow through. Ben is dead, and Klaus can just walk through him whenever he wants, all Ben has is his voice and emotional manipulation and his compassion.
But sometimes it feels like Ben is the only one who gives a shit. Maybe Ben pushed him to rescue Luther when Luther didn't really need rescuing, and maybe that pushing led to Klaus dying for a few minutes. But Klaus is alive now, and Ben kept him distracted long enough that he didn't immediately relapse when the worst of the dope sickness set in, and Ben is helping him get home after Luther ditched him dead on the floor of a club.
Klaus squeezes his arms around his middle a little harder, glancing over at Ben as his brother says that dying isn't the solution, and he can hear the worry with an edge of panic that Ben is carefully concealing with his usual placid demeanor. Klaus doesn't know what to say in response, so it's a bit of a relief that Ben doesn't bring it up again until they're almost home, gives Klaus some time to chew that over in his feverish head. His whole body feels too hot and too cold at the same time, and his stomach is twisting. He feels like he needs to go to the bathroom and empty himself from both ends, and if that isn't the most depressing, disgusting thing he can think of right now, then...well. He doesn't even know. It's this sad train of thought that Ben derails when he starts talking again, saying that if he hates his life that he needs to make it better, that nothing improves once you're dead, that he hadn't slept in fourteen years.
Klaus winces.]
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, okay okay, fine. You win. I won't go shuffling off this mortal coil anytime soon, so long as Luther doesn't go get himself high and drunk and laid again. Deal?
[It's a little sarcastic, but he also means it. He wants Ben to relax and stop worrying about it so much. Ben turns into an awful nag when he's anxious and worrying about things. Lifting a hand to rub at his face, Klaus winces again.]
God. It's not even like I actually want to be dead. I'm just sick of...feeling like shit, and I miss Dave, I miss him so much. I don't know how I'm supposed to want to be alive when he's gone.
[The grief washes over him again, and as he slips inside the Academy doors, he's got tears running down his face again, his arms squeezed around his middle, stumbling his way up to his room or the bathroom, whichever he feels like he might need more by the time he gets up the stairs.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
substances) wrote2019-05-02 10:18 pm
🐙 👻 death becomes us 👻 🐙
Stumbling down the street, arms hooked around his middle, shivering in the freezing cold night in nothing but a stupid tank top, covered in sweat, head aching on top of everything else, and Ben, that absolute prick, isn't here. After pushing him into finding Luther, then protecting Luther (because Luther needed so much protecting, and Klaus was totally in a great place to do so) Ben is no longer hanging around.
Probably scared, and rightly so, because the only thing stopping Klaus from scratching his forearms bloody to get rid of the feeling like bugs are crawling around under his skin is being annoyed at Ben. Ben, who must be around here somewhere, probably hiding or being invisible or whatever. Klaus doesn't even bother waiting until he's alone in the alley to start talking out loud to his brother that no one else can see.]
You know, tonight you totally lost the right to play the dead brother card, you know that, right? Even better, you're the one who got me killed. Plus, you never mentioned that God is such a trip either. What gives, man?
no subject
For the first time in a long time, Ben is feeling scared. Not to mention guilty.
When Klaus starts speaking to him, knowing (whether because of his powers or because he knows Ben as a person, who can even say these days?) that Ben must be there, he lets himself be visible. His body language is different than it had been earlier in the night. He is no longer standing straight and confident; his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and there is a wariness, a silence about him that weighs heavier than just not talking from moment to moment.
Klaus is pissed. Ben doesn't really care about that. But Klaus also doesn't sound the way he normally sounds when he's lying or playing up the drama. He just sounds done. ]
So... so you did die?
[ Ben can hear it in his own voice, the hope that things had been different than they appeared, the knowledge all along that they hadn't. Klaus had hit the ground so hard. Ben hadn't heard anything over the thudding base of the club and the commotion of people, but he'd seen Klaus drop and seen the way his body went so, so still. Klaus was never that still. Not even when he slept. ]
What do you mean, God? What are you talking about, Klaus?
no subject
[Klaus exclaims it, still stumbling his way toward home, and it's only the fact that he knows this city so well that he even knows where he is. The knock on the head had left him disoriented, even if it hadn't succeeded at permanently killing him, and he feels like he's spinning, hugging himself for comfort and warmth and to try to keep his balance. He can barely remember all the places they already looked, what the winding path was that they took to get from home and through all those places to the club they'd run into Luther at.
Ben looks a little deflated and Klaus can't help but get a tiny thrill of satisfaction from that, but it quickly dissipates under a wave of nausea that could be from withdrawals or from a concussion. Who knew? Who cared, really?]
According to God and Dad, yeah. I did.
[Klaus refuses to look at Ben for a moment, and there's silence except for the sounds of his feet scraping on the pavement and some girls laughing at the crazy junkie talking to himself as they head toward the club he'd just left.]
Went to the afterlife, ran into God, who doesn't like me, which was a huge shocking revelation...
[Those words twist with sarcasm, and he pauses, heads over to the wall of the nearest building forming the alley and braces himself against it with one hand, leaning over with his other fist clenched against his gut. Retches, but can't bring anything up, and just stays there for a few moments trying to breathe.]
But it's nice to have the old 'God hates me' suspicion confirmed, at least.
no subject
[ Ben sounds incredulous, but not accusatory; he's hung around Klaus long enough to tell when he's high as a kite and talking about things that aren't real. He knows the way Klaus fidgets and holds his shoulders tight when he's lying. And there was the evidence of his own eyes and senses. None of which makes any of this and easier to understand.
(Underneath the confusion and desire to get to the bottom of what the hell is even going on anymore in their lives, Ben's gnawing feeling of guilt deepens perceptibly. He was the one who had goaded Klaus into helping. Who had been so frustrated and angry at his own inability to do anything to help that he'd forced his brother into it - the same way they'd been forced into missions over and over growing up. And Klaus had gotten hurt. No, gotten killed. The way he had gotten killed. He'd been wrong, about not being able to do anything. He had, in part, done this.) ]
If you... died and went to heaven, how are you alive now?
[ Ben might be harsh to Klaus some of the time (okay, a lot of the time), but there are reasons for it, and the fact of the matter is that he gives himself away without meaning to. It would never occur to him that his brother would go anywhere else but heaven. Underneath the lying and stealing and excuses and addiction and self-centered self-pity, Klaus is still a good person. Ben believes that, unquestioningly.
He might not be able to reach out and touch Klaus's shoulder as he retches (and it's been a long time since Ben bothered to even try touching anything), but be leans against the wall, arms crossed, close to Klaus, blocking off the view of the end of the street. Sure, people who can't see Ben can still gawk at Klaus through him, but Klaus can't see them, at least. ]
no subject
For a few more moments he stands there, brings up his second hand to press against the wall for balance, head spinning, panting slightly. And then when it registers what Ben said, he laughs, voice and throat feeling rough and burnt with stomach acid.]
Oh Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben, you really think I went to heaven and saw Dad?
[He shakes his head, exhaling, and then clears his throat hard and spits on the dirty pavement, coughs a couple of times, pushes himself away from the wall and turns on a heel to start stumbling his way back home again, arms curling around his belly self-protectively.]
I don't know how I'm alive. I was definitely dead. D-E-A-D, dead. This little girl rode up on a bike and was apparently God. Said she didn't like me much. Then said I had to go see 'him,' who I thought was gonna be Dave but no. No. Klaus Hargreeves has no such luck. It couldn't be...
[His voice cuts off as he chokes on a sob, and then lifts a hand to rub at his face harshly, smudging days-old eyeliner into his sweat and tears.]
It was dad. Great shave, lots of sanctimonious rambling. He was more self-righteous than God, which really shouldn't have surprised me...
no subject
Ben ignores the dig at him, however, because there are much more urgent matters. Klaus died and came back and he doesn't know how, which is just typical. None of them had ever gotten any answers, about why their powers work, about how they work, about any of it. They're just fumbling in the dark, and it's caused so much hurt over the years. Why not a little more. ]
So... you talked to him.
[ There are parts of that rambling speech (God is a little girl on a bicycle? Weird, but no weirder than any other option honestly) that Ben just doesn't know how to grapple with. But he knows about Klaus and their father, and he knows what a volatile state Klaus was in even before all this happened. He had only just decided to get sober, and there's a real possibility that this post-death conversation might have totally derailed that.
Ben isn't sure what he is feeling, at that moment. Guilty for getting Klaus in this situation. Disappointed, in a queasy and ever-increasing way, at Luther for how he acted tonight and especially for just leaving. Scared that his own urging had led to this. Guilty that Klaus had a chance to speak to their dad when Ben didn't even get a chance to, even though both of them are dead. Relieved, that it wasn't him who had had to speak to their dad. Jealous, that for some reason his brother gets to bounce back, as if mortality weren't even an issue for him. ]
What did he say?
no subject
None of that means Klaus doesn't love Ben, or Luther, or any of the others. But not Dad. Never Dad.]
Well, I'd say it was less of a conversation, more of a lecture. You know how Dad was.
[He shrugs, and it makes his shoulders ache, he feels like he's aged 70 years over the past day, and it shows on his face. He's drawn, pale, skin shiny with sweat, shoulders hunched and back curved against the pain.]
Scolded me for not calling him forth sooner, scolded me about the drugs, as always. We had some lovely banter about how we all blame him for our screwed up lives, which he thinks is uncalled-for. [A laugh, bitter and breathy.] Needless to say, I called him on that little flight of fancy.
[A pause, and Klaus stops, standing on the sidewalk, hunched and miserable, and finally looks directly at Ben instead of at the pavement in front of him, green eyes searching his face. He's not sure if he's looking for sympathy or approval or what, but he's sure he'll know it if he sees it.]
He said...he told me he killed himself. Made it look like a murder so we'd all come back and solve it together and end up deciding to go back to the good ol' days and save the world.
[Tears are running down his face, hot and wet against his cheeks, carving through the cold sweat.]
And he told me I've barely scratched the surface of what I can do with my powers, but...then I woke up. I didn't want to come back, I wanted...I don't know what I wanted.
[Lowering his gaze, he starts stumbling along again, movements clumsy and ginger, trying to stave off the pain.]
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So he listens without interrupting when Klaus talks about the way their dad had lectured him, and the fight they'd had (not for the first time, but perhaps the last) about who was to blame for all the damage that had been done. He hears the brittleness in the words, can see Klaus looking at him, expecting something from him. More questions, to take his side - who knows? He keeps a neutral face on, though it softens ever so slightly.
And he still doesn't say anything when Klaus, crying, tells him that their father killed himself.
Ben's not even sure himself why he believes it right away. Perhaps it's because he knows Klaus wouldn't joke about this. Not to him, and not like this. Or maybe it's because he knows the lengths their father had always been willing to go when he had a goal in mind and had decided on a course of action. No unpleasantness had ever stopped him before. No evidence that he was doing harm. Suffering had never been high on his list of priorities. Apparently, that includes his own.
He just takes a step back, hand coming up unconsciously to cover his mouth. Klaus can say what he wants about hating their father and what a monster he'd been, but Ben sees the pain in his eyes, hears it in his words even through the attempt at humor.
Swallowing, Ben sets that aside, focuses on what Klaus had said last of all. ]
Don't say that. Don't say you didn't want to come back.
[ His terror makes the words sharp; Klaus has been flirting with death for so long. There have been so many close calls, so many IVs and ambulances and CPR and god knows how many times Ben has thought this was finally it. But Klaus's never really talked about wanting to die like this. Not before his little jaunt to Vietnam, and it scares Ben.
And underneath it, ugly but irrepressible, is that stubborn seething jealousy. Because how dare Klaus talk about wanting to be dead? As if he knew the first thing about it. ]
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Something builds up in Klaus' chest and gut and he clamps his hands harder against his middle, feeling like he's going to sob or vomit or both, or like his diaphragm is going to explode into his chest cavity. Then Ben's face changes, the mask falls, his hand comes up to cover his mouth, and Ben tells him not to say that he didn't want to come back, and his voice is sharp and - to Klaus' ears - accusatory.
It's like a tidal wave. Klaus turns abruptly and makes his way into an alley, out of public view, and squats on the ground beside the wall of a building, buries his face in his hands, and sobs hard for a few moments. Sobs hard enough that he chokes on it, drags his fingers through his hair and his body squirms with the sheer intensity of what he's feeling.
He'd died. He'd talked to his sadistic abusive father in the afterlife. Everything hurts and corpses follow him wherever he goes, he can't get away from it, there are no breaks or relief.
Dave is dead. Dave is dead and he's never coming back, not solid and present and warm and perfect and so beautiful it hurts.
It takes a while, but eventually he's able to lift his head to look up at Ben, who seems smudgy and blurred through the tears. Ben's seen him worse than this, Ben's seen him doing worse things than crying in an alley, but he feels too vulnerable and more than a little stupid, because Ben is always in control and Ben always looks calm and Klaus is a mess, has always been a mess.]
Okay, okay okay...okay...
[It's soft, breathy, gasped out between sobs.]
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Klaus... Hey, Klaus...
[ All the edges are softened from his voice, and it is quiet and coaxing, trying to bring his brother back from whatever yawning void of sadness has opened up in him now. Ben's chest aches, seeing the way Klaus's face is twisted up, half like he's laughing, half like he's in pain. He wishes he could give him a hug. He wishes he hadn't sad anything when Luther left the house. This isn't all his fault, but it's a larger percentage than he'd like. ]
Just breathe, alright?
[ He doesn't look ill, or still injured, or like he's going to pass out. Which doesn't make the emotional agony he's feeling any better, but at least it means there is no need for brightly-lit ER waiting rooms or clipboards or condescending doctors. Ben sighs, head dropping to his hand, covering his eyes. He is exhausted. Ever since their dad died, there has been so much happening. ]
Let's get you home and safe...
[ And Ben stands up, waits for Klaus to collect himself enough to stand, too. He coaxes him in this way, even though he can't touch him - just taking the next steps himself and waiting for Klaus to copy, to follow. Once Klaus is steady on his feet, Ben starts heading out the alley, eyes on his brother, walking step by step beside him.
He doesn't push his luck too quickly. For a few minutes they walk silently, away from the clubs, to quieter streets that are deserted by the late-night party-goers. When they're a few blocks from the Academy he finally speaks up again. ]
You don't want that, okay? Just... trust me. I'm the expert here. I mean, I'm not even really jealous that for some reason you got to come back. That's how badly I- don't want you to die, bro.
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So Ben tells him to breathe, and he does, he takes a shaky breath, sobs it out, but then takes another. Everything still hurts, but it feels like some of the raw edge has been taken off - he has a whopper of a headache from crying while being dope sick, but he feels a little more clear-headed, he doesn't feel like he'd rather die than keep living like this, or at least he doesn't feel it enough that he's tempted to act on it. A few more shuddering breaths that come with tearless sobs, and he rubs at his face with the palm of his hand. His face is wet with tears and sweat, and his hands are dirty, so he ends up with dark smudges of dirt mixed with wetness and eyeliner across his face and down his cheeks and forehead.]
Okay okay okay...
[He whispers it, slowly pushes himself up to his feet, then hooks his arms around his stomach again while he wavers on his feet and eventually sways too far backward, enough that his shoulderblades smack into the wall and he leans there for a moment.]
Home and safe, huh? [He gives a soft little laugh, eyes sinking shut as he tilts his head back against the wall, shivering hard and feeling his gut twist with nausea so sudden and intense he feels like he's going to throw up his guts.] You do remember that when I got kidnapped and tortured it was from that safe home, right?
[But he pushes away from the wall with his elbows, feeling the rough surface of the brick scrape against his elbows, and starts moving out of the alley. When he emerges, some girls walking back from the club squeal and cross the street to avoid him, and all he can do is laugh bitterly, under his breath. It feels like forever before he can see the end of this hopeless trek, and then Ben starts talking again. Klaus looks over at him, sideways, not sure if he feels touched or mildly offended. Maybe it's a bit of both.]
If I didn't know for sure I'd probably end up a screaming angry ghost, if it was just like, falling asleep forever, that might be better than the life I have right now. Fuck, Ben...
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When Klaus jokes about being kidnapped from the Academy, Ben opens his mouth, the reflex there to protest that he had tried to warn Klaus there were intruders, had shouted his name again and again only for it to be drowned out with Klaus's music. But for once, he bites back the defensive words. 'Tried' hadn't been good enough - it was never good enough - and everything unsafe that has happened to Klaus tonight was because of Ben's trying. ]
I'm not gonna let that happen again, ever.
[ It's absurdly unenforceable, that promise. The truth is things happen in the world as they are going to and how Ben Hargreeves feels about them doesn't make the slightest difference. But Ben had been there the entire time Hazel and Cha-Cha had Klaus. If either of them get close to him again, well, he's going to do his best to find a way to make things different. ]
Dying isn't the solution.
[ The words come out tight, clipped with annoyance that doesn't hide the increasingly frantic concern underneath. Klaus had been so close to finally growing, finally starting to take steps towards healing. And now this: wishing he were dead, talking about how it's better than the life he has now. Ben can't let him talk like that. Can't let that kind of reasoning take root. He can see the gates of the Academy as they round a corner and his voice is low, encouraging and loving and exasperated all at once: ]
If you hate your life, then make your life better. 'Cause once you're dead, that's it. Nothing improves, not ever. And I'm not screaming or angry but I haven't slept in fourteen years so resting in peace doesn't seem to be on the cosmic menu.
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But sometimes it feels like Ben is the only one who gives a shit. Maybe Ben pushed him to rescue Luther when Luther didn't really need rescuing, and maybe that pushing led to Klaus dying for a few minutes. But Klaus is alive now, and Ben kept him distracted long enough that he didn't immediately relapse when the worst of the dope sickness set in, and Ben is helping him get home after Luther ditched him dead on the floor of a club.
Klaus squeezes his arms around his middle a little harder, glancing over at Ben as his brother says that dying isn't the solution, and he can hear the worry with an edge of panic that Ben is carefully concealing with his usual placid demeanor. Klaus doesn't know what to say in response, so it's a bit of a relief that Ben doesn't bring it up again until they're almost home, gives Klaus some time to chew that over in his feverish head. His whole body feels too hot and too cold at the same time, and his stomach is twisting. He feels like he needs to go to the bathroom and empty himself from both ends, and if that isn't the most depressing, disgusting thing he can think of right now, then...well. He doesn't even know. It's this sad train of thought that Ben derails when he starts talking again, saying that if he hates his life that he needs to make it better, that nothing improves once you're dead, that he hadn't slept in fourteen years.
Klaus winces.]
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, okay okay, fine. You win. I won't go shuffling off this mortal coil anytime soon, so long as Luther doesn't go get himself high and drunk and laid again. Deal?
[It's a little sarcastic, but he also means it. He wants Ben to relax and stop worrying about it so much. Ben turns into an awful nag when he's anxious and worrying about things. Lifting a hand to rub at his face, Klaus winces again.]
God. It's not even like I actually want to be dead. I'm just sick of...feeling like shit, and I miss Dave, I miss him so much. I don't know how I'm supposed to want to be alive when he's gone.
[The grief washes over him again, and as he slips inside the Academy doors, he's got tears running down his face again, his arms squeezed around his middle, stumbling his way up to his room or the bathroom, whichever he feels like he might need more by the time he gets up the stairs.]