substances | klaus hargreeves 👻 ic inbox

[from here]

[While he's waiting for his brother to respond, Klaus says his good-byes to Kabal, makes a mental note to come back later, and lets Kabal know he's gonna, then stomps his way up to the Agricultural area. He's not exactly crying, but his eyes are burning and he keeps scrubbing his hands over them in case he starts, not sure if it's the slowly receding high or the fact he's so pissed at Diego.

By the time Diego replies, Klaus is sitting in the hydroponics room where he's been tending to his tiny baby pot plants for the past month or so, after he'd worked out how to get his hands on the seeds and figured out his way around the computer.

The first thing Diego says is 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' and Klaus lets some of the tension drain out of himself. Doesn't reply until Diego has typed all his thoughts out. It's never been a good idea to interrupt Diego when he's trying to verbalize - better with text than speaking, but not by much. Diego's always had a hard time expressing himself, stutter or not. So he waits it out with his fingers pressed against his mouth, watching the words scroll by on the sat phone screen.

At first he's hurt, then he's angry, then he's relieved, and by the end of it he just feels exhausted and sad. Closing his eyes and tilting his head back, he rolls his words around in his head but can't make them line up in any way that makes sense.]

ya
valid
i kno im not exactly trustworthy i just guess i hoped mabye i earned a little the past few months u kno

think this mite be part of the detox process
actually
i always get depressed around this point
i dont even kno wats wrong w/ me or wats upsetting me
dont kno wat i want to happen or wat outcome is 1 i want

diego compared to 'real bad'
numb feels great

i dont kno how to be ok

That's the thing.
I want to be able to trust you, Klaus. I do.
I guess I just...haven't tried enough in that regard so far. ~~I'm sor~~

[He deletes the last part before he sends that batch of texts. He won't grovel and beg, here. But...]

What do you do to get through that part?
I mean, besides just... end it by pumping more shit in your system.
You've done rehab before... what do you do at this point in the process, usually?

Is there anything I can do...?

[He feels his chest clench tight again even asking that. He wants to, he wants to help so bad, but he feels like the whole prospect is nothing more than trying to catch smoke with bare hands. He's at such a loss, he doesn't even know where to start.]

But it can get better.
That's the other side of real bad, Klaus.
If you just don't go backwards first.

I don't know if any of us do, really.
But we're here together. There's four of us, I mean.
If we stick together. If we try more.
We have to do better. Be better than we were.
Let us help, Klaus.

Let me help.

i want you to
but like i dont blame u man
its fine
it sucks but it makes sense & its fine

i dunno
ive never got through that part
even in rehab u can always get drugs
this is the longest ive been sober in like
since i was 13?
how long even is that
im shit at math & there was time travel
fuck my life

i dunno wat u can do man
i dont think ne1 can
maybe dave
i fuckin miss dave so bad i can't

[It takes a while for the next text to come because that finally pushed him over the edge from not-crying to crying, and his hands are shaking, he can barely see the screen.]

the only time i almost took those oxy was when vanya got here b/c i felt so awful about how bad we fucked up w/ her
y should she try 2 help me?
bens always been there & he helps a lot but

its not
how do u figure out wat ur supposed 2 do w/ ur life?
like idk how to do anything but be high or look for drugs
ive accomplished shit

y should u try 2 help me either?
i havent done shit for u
sorry i dont kno wat im sayin
having u around more has been good

It's not fine. I don't like not being able to, it's not supposed to be like that.

Really?
I mean, I know people skirt the rules all the time in places like that but
I figured at least one of the times, you probably did it all the way.
16 years. it's... 16 years.
maybe 17 with that.

I know, it sucks. It's...
I'm sorry, Klaus...

[He waits when there's a lull, wondering if he's okay. If he's still there. If. If. If. But he doesn't push, the same way Klaus didn't push while he waited for him, either.]

Because you're one of the ones that was trying the most for her, back home.
Maybe not perfect, none of us are, ever. We all suck at the family thing.
But while everyone was trying to figure out contingencies you were saying let's ask her, how about we talk to her.
Maybe she doesn't know that yet, but... honestly, Klaus, you should tell her.
You may have been there at that theater with the same intent as the rest of us, but you were trying to appeal to something else before that.

If I ever figure that out, I'll tell you.
The only thing I wanted got ripped away, and I just slid back into what I knew.
You fought in a war, right? I'm pretty sure that's not nothing, Klaus.

Because I know you can be, and have, better than you have in all these years if you'd just try for it.
But you don't ever want to put in the effort to get there, because it's so much easier to just go the familiar route instead.
Good things are never easy.

Where are you right now?

ya well ppl arent supposed 2 be junkies either but what can ya do?
im not trustworthy

ya rehab only does its job if u want it 2
& my rehab was mostly mandated
except that time allison sent me
but like u dont say no to allison when she wants sumthing

probly 17 i was in nam 4 10 months
& i was not sober in nam

[He can't talk about Dave right now, he can't, and Diego doesn't know what to say anyway, there's no point for either of them, and Klaus is already tired of crying today.]

i guess
i wanted 2 try 4 all of u but like no one listens 2 her
including me & i was 2 fuckin high all the time 2 do her any good
then i wanted 2 & no one wud listen 2 me either

sorry di
i still think u woudlve been a really good cop
1 of the rare ones

fuck man i fought in 2
i didnt do that because i was altruistic or nething
i just didnt want 2 die or leave dave

i get it ok diego i fuckin get it im a weak pathetic bastard ok?
can we not right now

im in the agricultural area w/ julie she brought me water
figured id come back 2 the quad after i hang w/ her

Don't do that.

I know... I just...
I know it doesn't work if you don't mean it.
I guess I just hoped that you would, at some point.

[Diego doesn't mind not talking about Dave... Some things, he understands, are too much. And he won't press.]

I know... you do a lot more than people give you credit for.
I see that more now... I'm sorry I didn't before...

Thanks.

[That one little word is all he can manage on that; it's still a sore subject with him, and maybe it always will be.]

Who said it had to be altruistic to count?

I didn't fucking mean it like that
don't do that, don't put words in my mouth
I'm saying you can do better, you can be better, I can see it, I just don't know how to fucking make you see it,
too.

Oh... okay.
I guess I'll see you when you get home.

[Everything drops when Klaus says he's with Julie. Diego wonders if she'd been with him the entire time, how much of either of the conversations he's having with both of them they've possibly shared between each other. He leans back and sinks down against Klaus' bed to wait... whether for more texts or for Klaus to walk through the door was completely up to Four.]

do what? being sober rly makes a guy think about shit hes done

i mean i didnt have nething better 2 get sober 4
when i did i got sober
i told all of u but none of u believed me
& ive been sober since then except weed
i think we talkd about that?

man i said its fine
just its fine
all is 4given
plz imagine me wavin my hand & magically makin it all 4given ok?

[Honestly, he can't handle apologies and compliments right now, it's too much, especially from Diego. It hurts.]

idk i always figured it did

sorry sorry im just so use 2 hearing it said like that
i dont kno if i can apparently im still fuckin it all up

r u mad im w/ julie? she doesnt have the pills

[That stings, that he has to say that, after all those apologies and Diego saying that he can be better. It stings more than Klaus wants to admit.]

Yeah, guilt's a bitch.
But you can't let it swallow you. Just recognize it and use it to do better going forward.

This may be harsh but honestly we didn't have a lot of reason to believe you, Klaus.
But it's different now. Here. Everything is different.

[Even in texts, there's still an obvious sort of discomfort about this sort of thing-- genuine apologies and compliments aren't something any of the Hargreeves are used to receiving, least of all from each other. So, he let's it drop there, but he's glad he said it all the same.]

Its not that all or nothing, you think I don't fuck shit up? I do, trust me. fucking big time.
Doesn't mean you stop trying though, okay?

[He sighs, staring at that question about Julie. Mad isn't the right word. Maybe more like... jealous, if he's actually honest with himself. Upset that she's the one Klaus went to instead? But he doesn't actually want to admit any of that out loud.]

I didn't think that's why you were with her.
And no. I'm not mad.

no shit
& yeah yeah ive been 2 rehab i kno the 12 steps man, moral inventory & all that

i get it
not so sure its different here after 2day but thats on me 2

& yeah i kno u fuck up but u also go out fightin crime every night & wouldve been a great cop
ive got nothing to offer rly
but i guess i could try 2 figure something out

u got all snippy when i mentione dher

she msged me after u msged her & asked where i was & brought me water
shes good di & not as tough as she acts so dont yell at her ok?

[A few moments after that, he sends another text.]

should be back at the quad in a couple hours ok?
i want 2 log some bro time
if u do

Okay.

You told me exactly where those pills were, Klaus.
You really think the you that showed up to Dad's funeral would've done that?

Klaus, you used to do that shit too. We all did. It's all we knew, and it's the only reason I do it.
Because I don't know what else to do.
Look, man, I appreciate the sentiment, but I really don't wanna talk about the what-if of me being a cop, okay?
Cops have to follow laws and protocols. I don't. And I fucked up a lot of shit for people for trying to take things into my own hands.

I wasn't being snippy.
And I don't care that you're with her.
I mean
God. whatever.
I'm not mad.

[He groans and drops the phone, face down against his chest, throwing an arm over his eyes. He hates this. That he cares about this, that much. That the insecurity of constantly feeling second best follows him this hard. This isn't that. Klaus is allowed to have friends. To go to them instead of him. At least Julie isn't a wholly awful influence, from whatever Diego has gathered about her so far. He knows she's been there for Klaus in ways and in times where he couldn't be. Wasn't there for at all. He can't hate her, if for nothing else, then for that alone.

Doesn't make that feeling gnawing at the center of his chest ease any more, though.

He blinks in surprise when the phone chimes again and he picks it up.]

Okay.
Yeah, I do.
I'll be here.

[Most of what Diego says is...encouraging, positive, makes him feel better, enough that he's not feeling quite so teary. But when Diego asks him not to talk about him being a cop, Klaus feels himself shut down a little, guilt swamping him.]

sorry man & sure ok
ill see u later

[It doesn't feel super encouraging, honestly, because it's hard to believe Diego when he says he's not mad, especially when it's preceded by 'god whatever' like that. So he doesn't make a point of getting back to the quad too fast. By the time he's heading into the quad, he's feeling a distinct sense of dread. After having had his brothers and Vanya around for a while now, the last thing he wants is to get in another fight with Diego.

Sliding in through the door, he calls out quietly.]

Dieeeegggooooo....?

The whiplash snap quickness that the mountains of texts between them is suddenly dwindled down to two lines and then static for what feels like forever is... harsh. He isn't sure what set Klaus off to shut down that hard, but...the idea twists uncomfortably in his gut all the same.

While he waits for Klaus to get back, Diego texts Ben, partially in effort to pass the time, but mostly so he can try to process his way through all of this. The conversation helps, in so far as anything could help him in the middle of all this anyway.

He ends up drifting off, half-asleep, by the time Klaus wanders back to the quad. He's too easily brought to alert to miss the sound of the door, and more importantly his brother's voice. "Yeah," he mutters, sitting up, forgetting the phone was on his chest and it makes a horribly loud, in the otherwise quiet house, clattering sound as it falls to the floor. At least they're pretty durable... He blinks and scoops the phone up and pockets it, "Hey." Despite his seconds ago halfhearted nap, nothing about Diego would indicate that he'd ever been asleep in the first place.

It's mostly guilt that does it. Nothing shuts Klaus down like guilt or shame, and this is no exception. It takes a while for him to get back to the quad, but when he does, and calls Diego's name, he hears his brother answer, and then the clatter of something falling to the floor.

Klaus makes his way over to the bedroom area with his brows raised.

"You okay man?" he asks, blinking a few times as Diego is putting the phone in his pocket. Klaus gives him a little wave, and heads across the room so he can sit down on the bed beside his brother, his head down a little.

"I don't want to fight." he says, after a moment, "And I'm sorry I kept talking about the thing."

"Yeah, I'm good." he nods a little.

Diego frowns a little at that comment, a little surprised by it. Mostly because none of what he was saying, particularly toward the end of that conversation earlier, was meant as a fight. You know, for once in his life. "I'm not trying to fight." he assures him and then shakes his head. "It's okay, Klaus. It's just...a really sore subject for me, you know?" He rolls one shoulder in a shrug.

"Yeah...yeah yeah yeah I get it. I do, I just thought maybe it would cheer you up if I said it." he says, shrugging, "Didn't mean to do the opposite."

The part about Diego not trying to fight is a little harder to respond to.

"I know, man. I didn't think you were, we just have a tendency to fight whenever the drug shit comes up, you know? So I just wanted to, you know, lead with that. Since I said I hated you earlier and all."

At least he's not still feeling the high from that moss stuff, though he's definitely feeling the cravings, like a tug in his chest, an ache. Longing. A feeling of life being incomplete that's stronger now that he gave in a little. He sighs, tilting his head back, and closes his eyes.

"Fuuuuuuck." he groans, "This sucks, it sucks, everything sucks."

He manages a small smile at that, "It did- does. I-- it's good to know you think I would've been good at it." But overall, it was just... too sensitive of an area for him to have a full conversation about.

"Yeah, we do," he relents with a nod, but he nudges his shoulder against Klaus'. "You really think I'm gonna go and believe you hate me just because you yell it when we're fighting?" It was really not yelling, and felt a lot more resigned than that would make him picture it, but that didn't really matter, did it?

Diego tilts his head and follows Klaus' movements as he leans back a bit and complains. "You'll be okay... you went--" well, actually, he's not sure how long it was, technically. "this long sober... you can do it again." He hates that the count technically has to start over now. But... well. That's the nature of the beast, isn't it? Addiction is never easy to walk away from.

"No. You know I love you man, come on. I know you wouldn't take me seriously, but I figure that's the kind of thing that can rile a guy up, you know? And I didn't mean to rile you up. I was just...you know, embarrassed. Or something."

For a moment, he's still, and then he leans down to untie his boots and push them off his feet, followed quickly by his socks, which he flings across the room, because he hates socks, and pulls his feet up. Fidgeting for a moment with one of the ties on the side of his leather jeans, he shrugs narrow shoulders and then heaves a deep sigh while he presses his toes together.

"Four months." he says, quietly, biting at the inside of his lip hard enough that it stings and he tastes the tiniest hint of blood, "Except weed. And even that was like..." He waves a hand back and forth vaguely, "Maybe twice a week? I haven't even had any of that since I got here, because I didn't have any. And, you know. Today."

"It's okay, Klaus." he puts a hand on his knee in what is hopefully a reassuring gesture.

He watches Klaus as he fidgets and gets comfortable. All this wound up,
nervous energy, and Diego can't help but wonder if he feels like this all the time.

"You said it's the longest you've gone before, right?" It's not a judgment, and his voice reflects as such. "So, you did it... you can do it again."

Truth is, Klaus does feel this way all the time. Pent up, full of energy, thinking too quickly and too much about all the wrong things. It's like his brain is out of control and it drags his body along with it, and Klaus is tired of being out of control. It's just that he doesn't know how to exert it, how to keep himself in line. He'd been impulsive before he even started taking drugs.

When Diego puts a calming, reassuring hand on his knee, Klaus exhales, eyes sinking shut for a moment.

"Yeah yeah yeah...it is." he says, then swallows hard, head tilting back again, "Guess I have to...to reset huh? Back to square one. Fuuuuuck."

"Yeah," he nods a little, a sad twist to the smile on his face. "but it's okay... you've got us-- me, and Ben...Julie. You've got people in your corner and we can help." Somehow. He has no clue how, but he wants to, desperately, and if Diego is nothing else, he's stubborn as hell, and he'll find a way, eventually.

He lets a silence lapse for a moment, debating his next words, but there's really only one thing that keeps sliding sticky across him. "...Before, when you said you don't know how to be okay... what did you mean?" His voice is soft and quiet, a little like he thinks if he's too loud, he'll ruin his chances of getting an answer.

When Diego confirms that this means he has to start back at square one, Klaus sighs in a long, put-upon way, making a loud raspberry with his mouth. But then Diego continues, saying that he's got Ben and him and Julie, and Klaus rolls his head to the side, looking at his brother and offering him a sad smile.

"Yeah, I do. It's...it's a lot more than I've ever had before. You know, I think that might be why I got so far before I fucked up. I'm not used to having people around. Ben was always there, but I can't...couldn't...see him when I was high any more than I could see other ghosts."

A shrug. And then Diego is asking him what he means by not knowing how to be okay, and Klaus winces, then laughs a little bitterly.

"I don't think I've ever been okay? Like, I've been seeing dead people since I was a kid, so I've been scared and miserable for as long as I can remember, you know? I just don't know any other way to be, unless I'm high."

"So, then... just focus on that, you know? That- that you have people and you don't have to do any of it alone." He's glad that resonated well, at least, in its own right. Diego doesn't know what he's doing, or what the right thing to say even is right now. Good to know that making shit up as he goes is apparently working out in his favor at the moment.

Whatever he might have expected Klaus' answer to be, for some reason, that in particular throws him a little more off-balance than expected. He blinks twice before he manages a quiet, "...Oh." A frown creases his forehead and he glances down at his hands hanging in a loose clasp between his knees where he sits at the edge of the bed.

He opens his mouth more than once, ready to say something about the topic at hand, but before he can manage it, his jaw snaps shut. These conversations are so much harder like this. In person. Right here. Next to him.

"Maybe... you need some more hobbies." He instantly feels like an idiot for that, of all things, being the thing he settled on, and that came out of his mouth. "I mean-- you can't just sit around all the time and dwell on it, right? You have to be proactive. Just...do something. Anything. And just stop thinking."

"Yeah. Yeah, yeah yeah, I'm trying my best." he says, looking over at Diego for a moment, his eyes wet and a little red-rimmed, making his eyes look brighter than usual, and he reaches over, pats Diego's leg a couple times, "To remember, I mean, or focus, whatever. On you guys. I like being around you guys, you know?"

It's hard to verbalize what he's thinking, or what's going on under the words, because he isn't sure how to word it. That what he feels when he's hanging out and having a good time with his brothers or Julie or Drake or other friends isn't as good as being high, not in the same way, but that it's better than being alone.

And then Diego suggests hobbies. Klaus can tell from the look on his face he regrets it the minute he suggests it, but Klaus brightens almost immediately, "Yeah! I've thought about that, I just don't know where to start, all I've been doing is like...cooking food sometimes, and growing pot. I need something else. I just don't know what."

A pause, and then he laughs, "Uhhh, why don't you try finding one too, same time. We can check in, or...something." For a long moment, he's quiet, and he fidgets with a seam on his pants, because he feels anxious about what he's about to say, it feels like putting it out there, "I was thinking about trying to draw."

His eyes travel to the hand on his leg and his lips twitch in a small, brief smile. "Yeah, me too." And as off-hand as the words might seem, he really means it.

That smile returns a second later, a little brighter this time, when Klaus lights up at the idea of hobbies. "Cooking isn't a bad place to start." He remembers learning some things from Mom. She'd insisted that when he was all grown up, he'd need to know how to fix at least one decent dinner. He never loved it, but he liked spending time with Mom.

"I don't even know where I'd start." He admits with a soft scoff and a slight shake of his head. Diego wasn't really good at... doing things for himself, not like that. He notices the sudden, nervous fidgeting and he frowns a little, confused at what might be causing it. "Oh, yeah, you used to, didn't you? Like- when we were kids?"

Klaus knows Diego well enough to know that the words sound flippant but the meaning behind them is very real. Smiling a little, he pats Diego's leg again and then draws his hand back, wrapping his arms loosely around his raised knees and starts fiddling with a scrape in the leather of his pants, at the knee. Digging his blunt nail into the scrape, he purses his lips a little, then stops before he can do more damage.

Diego is saying cooking isn't a bad place to start, but then goes on to say that he doesn't know where he would start, and Klaus snorts.

"Tell me about it. I mean, what do you do for fun? Work out? Uh..." A shrug, and he laughs nervously when Diego asks about Klaus drawing when they were kids, "Uh, yeah sort of. I drew on my walls and stuff, mostly when I was high, but it keeps my hands busy, you know? So I don't do anything stupid."

klaus hargreeves 👻 ic inbox

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