substances | klaus hargreeves 👻 ic inbox

Yeah I don't mind. Not about to make you feel shit about it or anything. Where are you??

i probly should feel bad
actually i do
everything just sucks so much

uh
agri area
the fuckin moss shit is here 2 but im keeping my distance
had 2 check on the pot plants i guess
didnt want 2 go 2 my quad

That moss stuff gives me the creeps. I'll be there in a few. Bringing some water with me.

ya me 2 but it feels so nice 2 be hi again
kabal was real fucked up tho
i need 2 go check up on him later w/ a gas mask or somethin

thx julie i love u

[Oh.

She looks at that message for a few long moments with a silly smile on her face and a warmth in her chest. Julie knows there's a space in Klaus' life she'll never be able to step into, but that doesn't mean they don't care for each other. It doesn't mean that isn't nice to hear.]

I love you too, Klaus.

[And not too long after, she'll find him in the agriculture area. Julie gave the peculiar fungus and its spores a wide berth, though she does peer closely at it just to see if she can spot Kabal.

The first thing she does, after offering Klaus a faint smile, is offer him a bottle of water.]

Hey, handsome. Fancy meeting you here.

[Klaus falls in love easy. Probably easier than he should, and he knows it, but it's just something about himself he finds impossible to change. Maybe doesn't want to change, too. It's one of the few things he kind of likes about himself, even if the love doesn't always last as long as he wishes it would, or dreads it will.

When Julie shows up, Klaus is sitting with his back against the main computer terminal in the hydroponics area of the agriculture sector, near where he has his little baby pot plants growing. He glances up at her, his eyes are red-rimmed but he isn't crying, not exactly.]

Hey gorgeous. What brings a girl like you to a place like this?

[And Julie does, too. It's another one of those slightly painful things that they have in common.]

Oh, you know. [And she drops down next to him, plants the bottle of water in his lap, then worms her arm around his back and shoulders and gives him a one-armed hug.]

I'm just called to the sound of misery. [She looks at him again, and smiles.]

Drink some water, okay?

[When she plops down next to him, he shifts closer to her while she puts her arm around his back and gives him a hug, and wraps his own arm around her in return, draping it around her shoulders and pulling her up against himself.

Picking up the bottle of water, he opens it with his teeth so he doesn't have to let go of her, and takes a sip...which is great, because he hadn't realized how thirsty he was. A few gulps later, and he makes a slightly wet laugh at her comment about being called to the sound of misery.]

Christ, no wonder you're my girl.

[Exhaling, he tilts his head back.]

Thanks Julie.

Damn right I am.

[Not... really, is she, but she could feel like she was when they're sitting like this and he's saying things like that to her. For Julie, a young woman who so very much wants to be loved and cared for, it's like a flame for a moth to flutter too close to.

But she smiles, uncaps her own water and swallows a mouthful before resting her head against his.]

You wanna talk about it?

[Klaus makes a soft, fond laugh at that, and tilts his head to the side instead of to the back, and rests his cheek against the top of her head, eyes sinking shut. He's tired, so tired, and feels sad and hurt and guilty for letting down Diego and Ben by going out there and letting himself get high again. Feels kind of disgusting about how he now has to go back to square one with his sobriety count...four months totally wasted.]

I dunno. It's...it's just stupid. I don't want to go back to square one, and I'm pissed at myself for disappointing Diego again.

[Turning his head a little, he presses his face against her hair - it's still soft and warm and feels nice and smells nice, just like the first time they kissed - and exhales a little into it.]

I'm so tired of being a fuckup.

[A soft laugh, abruptly, barely more than a breath.]

Guess I did want to talk about it.

Heh, yeah. Guess you did.

[Her fingers find his wrist, move up it gently to slide her thumb against the back of his hand, to lace her fingers in with his and press their palms together. It's that closeness between them that has become so familiar now, that reaching of two so similarly damaged souls out towards one another.

But she shakes her head, just slightly, and squeezes her fingers around his.]

Don't think you're a square one, though... [Julie moves, then, so she can look over at him.]

I mean... square one Klaus didn't care about getting clean, right? So... you're a few steps ahead already.

[Just under his breath, Klaus makes a tiny whine when she pulls away from him to look him over, but at least she takes his hand and slides her fingers through his so there's still connection. He can feel her thumb sliding over the back of his hand, brushing over his knuckles and the sensitive skin between them.

Part of him thinks he'd probably go crazy right now if someone wasn't touching him.]

No, no, yeah that's...that's right.

[Lifting the hand not held in hers, he rubs at his face, scrubbing his knuckle into his eyes for a moment.]

Yeah, I never gave a shit about it until...

[His voice trails off, and he shakes his head. Can't talk about it right now.]

Anyway.

... Yeah. [There's something else there, something he doesn't mention, but everything Klaus wants or needs to talk about always comes out in the end (at least, in Julie's experience of dealing with him) so although it niggles slightly at her, she doesn't lower herself to pushing it.

She just rests her head lightly on his shoulder again, leaving her hand tucked loosely against his, and lowers her eyelids to half-mast.]

I think you want it, and I don't think you're the kind of guy who just gives up on what he wants, right? The Klaus I know is a fighter.

[There are some things that just hurt too much to talk about, that will probably hurt Julie if she hears about them, and he doesn't think he can get through this if Diego is disappointed in him and Julie is hurt and he starts crying again. Part of him thinks if he starts crying now, he's never gonna stop.

When she puts her head on his shoulder again, he turns his own, presses his mouth into her hair and kisses, eyes sinking shut while she says she thinks he wants to be sober and she doesn't think Klaus is the kind of guy who gives up on what he wants. Calls him a fighter. He can't help but laugh softly.]

Oh god, that's....that must be new. I've never...then again, I suppose what I wanted was always drugs.

[His throat closes up, and he hides his face against her hair.]

Christ, I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

What? God-- no, Klaus. Fuck, no.

[And she feels him trying to hide his face but she moves, takes herself away from him (except for that hand, she leaves that holding his) because she has to look at him for what she's going to say next. Has to look him in the eyes, because it won't mean as much if she doesn't.]

You're fucking not. You've been going through hell your entire life, never being allowed to just be a kid, seeing things that could have driven people fucking insane, and anyone expecting you to be fucking-- fucking okay after that can go fuck themselves. [She'll use her free hand to catch his cheek if he tries to look away, to nest her palm against the line of his jaw and try to make him look at her. Or just to hold him steady, if he lets her.]

You've been through so much, and you're still here. You're still here, and you haven't given up. Do you have any idea how much strength that takes? To keep going like that? To still be able to smile like you do? You're amazing, Klaus. You're one of the best people I know. So just-- don't give up now, okay? You've got this.

[He whines again when she pulls away, but doesn't protest, just allows her to look him in the eyes and put her hand on his cheek, and hold eye contact in a way he's not used to, and talk to him. The things she's saying aren't things he's used to hearing either, there's nothing about weakness or poisoning his body, there's just earnest encouragement, no bitterness or accusation or disappointment. She just explains that he's not a bad person, but that he's been going through hell his whole life, that no one would be okay after those things.

Part of him disagrees. He knows himself, he knows that he's weak and he knows that his smiles are fake and that he's not amazing or good. But it's so goddamn nice to be told that he is, so he doesn't argue, he just realizes that there are tears streaking down his face even as he smiles at her, and then his hand comes up to cup the side of her face as he leans in and catches her mouth with his.

They've kissed a ton of times before, but never really like this. There's nothing sexual about it, he just kisses her with his lips slightly parted because he craves the contact, because she's talking to him exactly how he needs to be talked to right now. After a moment, he pulls back and breathes out shakily.]

Sorry...I...

[Another little breath.]

Thanks.

[So much of what she says is what she would have, at one time in her life, wanted someone to say to her. She relates to Klaus in ways that could be dangerous for the both of them if they didn't somehow manage to support one another so well instead. She knows that desperate want to be accepted. The pain that only drugs and alcohol can dull. The certainty that nothing good about you can possibly be true, because you're a mess, you're a burden, and things aren't going to be okay.

And, god, she doesn't want to make him cry and it clenches around her chest to see that she has, but then he smiles and he leans in and kisses her and she smiles back into the press of lips. It's gentle, and soft, and not quite like any other time he's kissed her.]

Don't need to thank me. Just try not to prove me wrong.

[Maybe it's because there were things that snapped Julie the hell out of it earlier on, because Klaus hasn't had anything to snap him out of it until so recently - maybe that's why they have a good influence on each other instead of a bad one. She knows where he is, but maybe she's crawled a bit further out of the shit, just enough that she can reach back to help him out.

It's not something Klaus has ever had, a friend who understood what he's been through in the particular way she does, without still being in the thick of it and dragging him down with them. He's had shit friends like that who understood what he was dealing with, and he's had people in his life who are good influences but who could never really comprehend what he's done and how he's lived.

This is something else. And when she pulls back from the kiss and tells him not to thank her, just not to prove her wrong, he leans his forehead against hers and swallows hard.]

Yeah...yeah yeah...I'm not gonna. I'm...I'm not perfect, god, you know that. But yeah...I'm gonna, I'm gonna keep trying okay? Okay...okay...fuck, Diego is so pissed at me.

[She cradles his head gently in both hands while their foreheads press together, and God he's such a mess but he's so beautiful, too, and she can't remember the last time she wanted to help fix somebody so badly. Julie sees more of the good in Klaus than she thinks even he does, without the years of seeing him fail and fall in front of her to colour her view of his current attempts at digging himself out of the proverbial pit.]

I'm not gonna ask you to be perfect. You're doing fine.

[Julie opens her eyes, looks up at his, so very close. She plants another kiss on his mouth before she leans back and takes both of his hands in hers, curling her fingers against his palms.]

Maybe you should talk to him. [Saying nothing of the conversation that she had with him earlier, before she came out here. She's not even sure he knows what he wants from Klaus in this.]

Why's he so angry, anyway? Because you had the bottle?

[It feels too good, the way she holds his face and says she's not going to ask him to be perfect. That's good, it's good, because he's not perfect, he's far from perfect, and he's never going to be perfect, maybe won't ever be close, even. When she kisses him again, he kisses back and sits up straight again, her hands in his, and okay, that feels a bit better, he feels calmer, it's easier to think.]

Yeah...yeah I promised I'd talk to him after we hung out and I sobered up.

[Closing his eyes for a moment, he exhales and tries to get his head to stop spinning. Then she asks why Diego is so angry, if it's because he had the bottle in the first place, and his heart sinks to sit like a stone in his gut. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

It would be so easy to lie again, to say it's because he didn't immediately reject the pills when the bot handed them over, or give them to Ben, or whatever else, but the truth weighs on him. She just told him how much she trusts him and believes in him and here he is sitting on a lie he's been telling her since they showed up here. His heart is suddenly pounding and his eyes are stinging because right after this, her telling him how much she trusts him, to confess to a lie? That's probably going to screw everything up, and isn't that so typically fucking Klaus Hargreeves?

It would be so easy to lie again. But he can't.

Swallowing hard, he exhales and shakes his head, just blurts it out.]

You're gonna hate me.

[It sounds way more plaintive than he meant, and he shakes his head.]

He...he's pissed because I took some pills out of the bottle before I gave them to you and stashed them. I didn't...I never took them, but...yeah. Yeah yeah...I'm sorry.

[Swallowing hard, he looks at her finally, eyes on hers, and he lets his hands relax so she can pull away if she wants to. She probably wants to.]

He...probably flushed them by now.

['You're gonna hate me', he says, and she feels her heart sink. Damn it, Klaus, what did you do.

But he comes out with it so easily and she wonders if he really thinks she would turn on him so quickly. If he thinks he could do anything, consciously, to make her hate him. It's another layer to add to the things she knows about him. Another piece of the puzzle.

She doesn't let go of his hands, not quite, though her hold on him loosens slightly when he admits what he did.]

Oh. [Julie says, and nothing more than that for a few moments while she processes. While the things Diego said rattle around in her brain. But-- no. He didn't take them. He gave the bottle up, he gave the stash up, he didn't take them and he's sorry and even without hearing the words she can feel it and see it on his face when she finally looks up at meets his eyes.]

I don't hate you. [An easy thing to say. She gives his hands a squeeze and lets them go only to put her arms around him and pull him into a tight hug.] Fucking hell, Klaus, you're such a dumbass... Don't lie to me again, okay?

[The thing is, almost everyone he's ever cared about has eventually gotten sick of him. Forgiveness isn't a common or plentiful resource in Klaus' world, and it never has been. Maybe saying she's going to hate him is a bit of an exaggeration, but he doesn't expect her to overlook being lied to. It just doesn't make sense.

When her hands go loose in his, he mostly manages to hide how it makes him cringe, but he can't quite, his brows furrow up and his mouth purses and he tries to suck it up in anticipation of her telling him how shitty he is. Because he's shitty, and he knows it. But she just says 'oh' and that she doesn't hate him, but she's letting go of his hands and he cringes again.

Or at least he does until she wraps her arms around him and hugs him, pulls him tight against her, and he's pretty much draping his arms around her shoulders and burying his face into her shoulder. Eyes squeezed tight against the tears, he nods when she calls him a dumbass and asks him not to lie to her again.]

Okay.

[His voice is tiny and a little squeaky and way more than a little pathetic, but he squeezes her, arms trembling.]

Okay.

[And she doesn't ask him to promise, because she knows the parts of him that she sees herself in and she knows, with the smallest twinge in her chest, that he'll probably lie to her again some time down the line. That maybe, some day, he'll lie about something she won't be able to forgive him for.

But that's 'if's and 'maybe's and not right now, when he's nearly crying into her shoulder and clinging around her small frame like she might float away from him.]

Okay... [She repeats, a low murmur this time, her fingers sliding into the back of his hair and running into the dark curls. The side of her thumb rubs against his scalp, and she presses her cheek to the side of his head.

And maybe walking away is what she should do. Maybe it's what she should do, and should have done so many times already, but she knows even without thinking about it that she couldn't. It isn't in her to walk away from something like this, not when someone needs her, and when her being around could make all the difference.]

Come on, drink the rest of the water. We need to get you down so you can go talk to Diego, right?

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